Dear Agony
by SomeoneNamedLiz
Summary: With a hidden past that no one knows about,will Clare find trust in Eli? Or will it go to waste when she finds out about his unholy confessions.
1. Chapter 1

Hey! This is my first fan fiction soo, yeah, go easy on me. Sadly, I do not own Degrassi, I just felt the need to say that…anyway, please enjoy! :)

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><p>(<strong>Clare's POV)<strong>

_I heard a knock on my door so I went to go answer it. I looked through the peephole but, it was blocked. I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion and opened my door cautiously, there he was. I quickly tried to close the door but he blocked it with his foot._

"_What are you doing here", I said as my voice quivered. Dammit! I can't let him show how frightened he makes me. He started to back me up into my house and eventually, my back hit the wall. He walked deliberately towards me, like I was his prey. _

_He smirked sinisterly and said, "You think I'd actually let you leave just like that? Bitch, you're mine" he then, dove in and kissed me roughly. His lips were so chapped and he reeked of booze. I jaggedly pushed him away from me and started running upstairs. He pulled my hair so hard, that I fell back and my head hit the banister of my stairs. _

_I groaned in pain. "You're not leaving me, ever", he said while smiling at me. He started to drag me from my hair to the couch and picked me up to slam me on it. He jumped up on top of me and pinned my arms over my head._

"_Please, just let me go! Leave me alone" I screamed while tears started to pour down my face. _

"_Aw, what, you don't want to be with me", he chuckled while moving his hand to retrieve something from his back pocket. He slowly pulled it out and it was- _

"Clare…Clare!" I jumped and quickly averted my attention back to her. "You always seem to do that, drift your attention to something else. Something that's bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?" she said while crossing her right leg over her left at the knee. I glared at her, annoyed that never a therapy session goes by without her trying to pry out what I'm thinking or feeling.

Ms. Urie. The annoying, slutty therapist that my mother hired to "fix" me. She thinks she does a kick ass job at handling her patients but, eventually, they either get mentally worse, or if they're men, they usually have sex with her, even if they are a minor. My mom falls for her "best friend" act but, she doesn't fool me. She is positive that she can help me with my issues and to "stop being a stuck-up little bitch."

Bitch. That word hit me like a ton of bricks, covering me whole and preventing me from escaping my slow and painful death. Ever since that night, the night that has been engraved in my head. A memory that not even amnesia can take away. The sensation and feeling that I had doing what I did.

A smile crept up on face as I recollected the actions of that night. "The answer will always be the same Ms. Urie, I have nothing to say to you", I said as I raised my left eyebrow and smirked in a challenging way, waiting for her response.

"Listen, you little bitch", my smirk faded when she said that and continued, "It doesn't make difference, either you talk and keep me entertained or waste my time, either way, I still get paid, sweetheart" she said as she smiled sarcastically while tilting her head to her right side.

I stared at her with a disgusted expression on my face and said, "You don't deserve to know what is going on with me, you wouldn't understand". I shook my head and somberly looked down. I was defeated, exhausted, and just…tired. Tired of the same bullshit every day. Tired of having this weight holding me down. Tired of the guilt that is eating away at me, feeding off of me like a fucking little parasite.

"How would you know that? I might surprise you..," she said while staring intently at me, anticipating on what she thought I was about to say. I opened my mouth to say something and right when I was about to, my mom barged into the room.

"Clare! What is taking so long? You were done 20 minutes ago, now let's go and stop wasting Ms. Urie's time!" my mother said while gripping my right arm roughly and apologizing to Ms. Urie. "I am so sorry about Clare wasting your time", she said and then abruptly looked at me with hate in her eyes, "all she ever does is waste time".

_Entry #1 _

_Dear Agony, many people view you as an_ _extreme and usually prolonged pain, an intense physical or mental suffering, a torment, a struggle. Despite these different interpretations of you, all I do is find comfort in you. I can always count on you to be there, even when I don't want you to. No matter how hard I try to liberate myself from your feeling, I always go back. You and your friend depression always find a way to creep up on me. I don't mind anymore, you guys are the only home I have… _

My mother and I got home and she walked straight into the living room. I closed the door behind me and as I was about to go upstairs, "Clare, get your ass over here please", my mother called me. Well, at least she said please this time and not threatened me.

"Wow, you said please for once, how refreshing". I said sarcastically.

"Don't get smart with me young lady", she said sternly as she held her right index finger towards me and her left hand on her hip. "Now, have a seat on the couch, I need to talk to you", she said somberly while pointing at the couch.

I froze and my eyes widened in fear. I was completely immobile and panic was written all over my face. That couch is where IT happened. The night that everything changed.

"Wh-what about?" I stuttered while staring intently at that couch. "Would you at least sit down?" my mother said impatiently. I brusquely gave my attention back to my mom and said," I'm perfectly fine standing".

"But-", as she spoke, I interrupted her and said, "Please just…just say it", I said dejectedly. My mother sighed loudly and said, "Fine, your father-

**(Eli's POV)**

"I can't live like this anymore! I've dealt with this bullshit long enough!" I said as I descended up the stairs from my basement. "Eli! Eli! Please, baby boy, this is who we are, you have to accept it!" my mom said as she clutched on my left arm, preventing me from going out my front door.

"Mom, come on", I said in an exasperated tone, "I get it, I grew up not believing in any god, but this, this is way too extreme and I'm done living like this. Ever since dad got this stupid idea for doing this I've been against it. I was too scared to speak up about it, but not anymore!"

I shook my head and said, "Mom please, don't do this anymore. Tell dad to not do this anymore!" I tried to reason with her. "I don't think he'll listen, you know how stubborn he is" she said while rubbing my arm gently, trying to calm me down.

"Then have sex with him, seduce him, give him the best fucking blowjob he's ever had, I don't know, just please, do something to stop this" I begged her. My sight getting blurry with tears.

"I don't think that will be possible honey", she said softly. I got infuriated and snatched my arm from her grip. I swiftly opened the door and trudged through it, slamming it from behind and getting into my hearse, Morty. I started it and the engine rumbled, ready to take on anything. I drove out of the driveway and just…drove.

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><p>How was it? Was it at least…decent? Should I continue?<p>

What happened with Clare's dad? What did the mystery dude pull out in Clare's memory?

What did she do? What is Eli talking about?

Why am I asking so many questions? Anyway….**please review**! I'll love you forever…


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! I just wanted to thank you for the reviews, people adding this to their story alerts and favorites! It really does mean a lot to me! Hopefully you guys enjoy this chapter...

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><p><strong> (Eli's POV)<strong>

Have you ever had the feeling like something good is going to happen to you, even when you don't deserve it? No? Well that's what I'm feeling right now. That feeling in which you encounter that one thing in your life that is worth keeping. The only thing that keeps you from ending your life once and for all. If you ever do have that feeling, well, it's fucking terrifying. Knowing that somebody has that kind of power over my life and what I feel. Knowing that someday someone might find out about me. About what I do. Nobody would ever look at me the same. They might think I would do something to harm them. Problem is, I was forced into this…

I kept driving to…well, I don't know where I'm going yet. I just need a break from everything. To clear my mind and to try and figure out how to fix this shit that I am in.

As I was driving, I realized I passed my childhood home. I smiled at the memories I had with this house. That's when I realized that I have driven for two hours, two hours away from Toronto, two hours away from the hole that I finally escaped and maybe, just maybe, I can forget everything that has happened. But, no matter how hard I try to forget, it always comes back to taunt me and mock my very existence.

I made a U-turn and the wheels of Morty screeched so loudly, that a flock of birds flew away as they were enjoying their delicious road kill. Oh, how rude of me to interrupt them. I smirked at the satisfaction and headed towards my old house.

I parked outside of the house and waited for a few seconds inside of Morty. I took a deep breath, held it in for exactly 60 seconds and let it out. I unlocked my door and stepped out of Morty. Memories just kept rushing back as I stood in front of the house. The house where I had my first kiss. The house where I jacked off for the first time. I don't know how that's memorable but it's just something that I will never forget. The house where my mom and I almost gave my father a heart attack when I was thirteen. I laughed and shook my head at that memory.

**(Flashback)**

_"Eli!" my mom yelled as I was in my bedroom reading Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I think it's amazing how he can come up with such brilliant stories and how he is such an incredible, twisted, hilarious writer! Dude's a genius! _

_When my mom yelled up at me, I thought I was in trouble. I gulped and said "yeah, mom?" _

_"Can you come down here for a moment" she said as I placed a bookmark on the page that I have left off on and closed the book. I hopped off my bed, went out the door, and headed downstairs. I slowly walked down each step, staying on each one for five seconds and descending downstairs. It took a total of fifty seconds to walk down 10 measly steps._

_ "Yes?" I asked nervously, trying my best to keep my cool. I twiddled my thumbs together and kept biting my lip. I knew that if I was in trouble, my dad would eventually hear about it, and let's just say, my ass would be kicked. _

_"haha, don't worry, you're not in trouble" she said and she unhooked my thumbs and put my hands at my sides. I released a relieved breath and asked "what's up?"_

_ "I have a preposition for you" she said while smiling deviously. "Oh no, I know that look. You're planning on pranking someone aren't you?" I asked her while smirking. I love the pranks that my mom pulls. They are perfectly executed and well thought out. Well, most of the time._

_ She nodded her head and I asked "what'd you have in mind?" man, I feel sorry for her next victim. _

_"I want to prank your dad" she said while sitting down on the couch, "I want him to think that I passed out and eventually dead". I sat there with my mouth agape. I was speechless. This is above and beyond over her last pranks._

_"Why the hell would you want to do that?" I asked cautiously while looking at her like she had 3 heads._

_ "Let's just say that last night, your father was a tease and didn't let me finish" she said as interrupted her "okay, okay I get it! Don't need to know the full story!' I shrieked. "What? I take my orgasms very seriously" she taunted me. "Alright! I get it! I'll do it just please stop talking about that." _

_She smirked and said "great! This is the plan…_

_ (2 hours later)_

_ "Honey, I'm home" Bullfrog joked as he came back from work. "You wouldn't believe how many narcissistic bands called in to play their music only because and I quote "no other bands can compare to us" please, what a bunch of bit- Cece? Cece! _

_The plan just commenced. I smirked and innocently walked out of the living room to hear why my dad was screaming. "Bullfrog? What's wrong" I asked in a panicked tone to try and sell this performance._

_Cece was lying on the floor in the middle of the kitchen and she looked out cold. "Cece! Please wake up! Please!" my dad said as tears started to pour out of his eyes. Ah shit! I think we took it to far this time._

_ "Eli! Call 911! Now!" I hesitated but eventually walked to the phone. I didn't know what to do so I pretended to dial the number and put the phone to my ear. _

_Bullfrog was on his knees and crying when all of a sudden, Cece quickly sat up and said " you sure you want to tease me again?" she smirked. Bullfrog looked dumbfounded and looked back and forth between me and Cece. _

_"Dad, it was a joke. Cece is alive and well" I said while smiling timidly. After a long moment, Bullfrog bursted into a fit of laughter and hugged Cece. "That was a good one! Kudos to you guys" he said while continuing to laugh. I will never understand my parents but I love them nonetheless._

** (End Flashback)**

I continued to walk around the house and kept on smiling. I went through the gates that lead to the lake and what I saw surprised me. I scrunched up my eyebrows and asked "Uh, hi, who are you?"

There was a little girl about the age of nine who was crying. She turned around and looked at me. Observing my every move as I walked closer to her.

"I'm Skylar, who are you?" she asked me innocently while wiping the tears from her radiant green eyes with her right sleeve.

"Hello Skylar, my name's Eli. What are you doing here all alone? I smiled at her, trying not to scare her away.

"I come here every day, Eli. Today I just wanted to cry . What about you?" she asked as she signaled me to sit down with her at the edge of the lake.

"Well Skylar, I just came here to think for a little while, Get away from society, you know?" I said as I sat down next to her. What was I doing, talking to a little girl about my problems, expecting her to understand. I shook my head aimlessly and it perked up when she said "I know exactly what you mean" she said while staring intently at me.

"What do-" I started to speak when someone interjected, "Skylar! Come in to eat for dinner!" someone who I am assuming was her mom called out for her. "Coming!" she yelled while turning to me.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" she asked me hopefully. Her green eyes getting big with anticipation. I contemplated my decision and decided that I didn't want to make her even sadder.

"I promise" I said while smiling at her. She held up her pinky and said "pinky promise?". I smiled and raised my pinky to intertwine with hers. "Pinky promise". As soon as I said those words, she took off, running to her house smiling. I got up off the ground and headed to my car to go back home.

...

When I was finally back in Toronto, I stopped by The Dot to grab a burger when I passed by the alleyway that head to the ravine. There was a girl while short, curly auburn hair going on a phsyco rampage. She was throwing garbage cans all over the place, kicking the recycling bins, and punching the walls.

As I stared to approach her, she abruptly turned around and was scared when she saw me. She started staring at me, wide eyed, thinking I was going to do something to her. "Are you okay?" I asked her, "Your hand is bleeding".

She looked down on her hand, looked back at me and nodded. "I'm fine" she said and quickly ran away. "Wait!" I yelled but she wouldn't turn back. Who was this girl…

**(Clare's POV)**

This has to be the worst feeling in the world. Knowing that someone slipped out of your grasp and…you couldn't do anything to stop it. He was the only one in my life that actually made me smile. I can tell he didn't hate me, unlike my mother.

When she told me that my father was dead…I didn't cry, I didn't mourn, I didn't do anything. I refused to believe that he was dead. For lack of better words, I was in denial.

_ Entry #36 _

_Dear Agony, having someone in your life taken away from you is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes you are given the chance to save them or, let them die. Even though I was raised a Christian, I don't believe in heaven or hell. People might go where ever they want, I guess. When you lose someone that is close to you…sometimes the only option you have, is to turn to your little cousin despair…_

I raced out the door after she told me this and just ran. I eventually got so tired, that my lings were on fire. My legs felt jellylike, and so I just collapsed. I was near The Dot so i didn't run far enough to get away and get lost. Damn! I shook my head and got back up. I started to walk back home when I saw an alleyway. Hm, maybe I'll get luck and get raped or just die.

I started walking to the alley and just stood there. I was surrounded by garbage cans and recycling bins. I don't know what happened, but something in my head just jerked. I started going insane. I started to throw garbage cans all over the place, kicking the recycling bins and punching the walls. I've just had enough of all the bullshit and mishaps in my life. I just wanted it all to end.

This time, I punched the wall so hard, that I heard my knuckles crack and my hand started bleeding. At that moment, I didn't feel any pain. No physical pain can compare to the emotional and mental suffering that I am going through.

I heard something behind me and quickly turned around. There was a guy around my age with shaggy dark brown hair and piercing, light green eyes. He was gorgeous. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Your hand is bleeding". I looked down at my hand and it was in fact bleeding. I haven't even noticed.

I can't be around him. There is something about him that I find comfort in. "I'm fine", I said coldly and just started running. "Wait!" I heard him call out. I didn't listen, I just ran…

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><p>How was that? Hope you guys like it! I'm trying an experiment here just to see if it works so….. <strong>15 reviews=next chapter<strong> love you guys!


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you guys so much for the reviews! It means a lot to know that you guys are reading my crap! I know I haven't updated in such a long time and I apologize for that but there's so much that's going on right now but I will definitely update more frequently! Hopefully you guys enjoy this chapter!

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><p>(<strong>Clare's POV)<strong>

"Alright, I'm going to pull each finger and you have to tell me if it hurts, okay?" the doctor said as he started with my pinky. I winced every time he pulled at each one.

Well, this obviously isn't good. I mentally groaned and regretted even punching the fucking wall. It's not like I could've controlled it anyway. Have you ever had that feeling where you don't want to do something but your body and mind don't agree with your heart? It was like that in a strange way.

The doctor started to move my wrist in a circular motion and that fucking did it.

I yelped out in pain and the doctor smiled to himself. What, is my pain some sort of sick gratification? I was about to ask him why he was smiling but he then spoke up and said "well, Clare, there are good news and bad news. Good news is your health plan will cover for this" he started to laugh as if his little "joke" was funny but I held a serious expression on my face.

The doctor soon caught on and awkwardly stopped laughing.

He cleared his throat and said "well, your wrist is definitely fractured". I groaned loudly and he then said "just be thankful it isn't broken". Yeah, like that's going to make me feel better.

"Alright, well, you don't need a cast for this minor injury but what you do need is to rest that wrist of yours and ice it up. After you ice it, get a rag with hot water for the feel of relief and you'll get better quickly" he said while smiling at me strangely. It was like one of those pedophile smiles.

My mom and I soon left the clinic and walked back to the car. No words were spoken, just complete and utter silence.

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><p>"How was your day today Clare?" Ms. Urie asked me in a fake cheerful voice. Like one of those valley girl princesses.<p>

I scoffed and said "oh, it was fucking fantastic! My hand is all swollen and to top it off, I get to be in your lovely presence!" Obvious sarcasm seething from every word.

I really wasn't in the mood for this stupid therapy session. So I've been acting differently, big whoop. I have a reason. HE happened. THAT little incident happened. I seriously doubt that this is going to help me in any way.

"Come on Clare, help me out here. Believe it or not, I actually do want to help you" she said.

Was that sincerity? Did she actually mean that?

I rested my hands on the table between us and folded them. "What do you want me to say? That I'm happy? That I'm fucking crazy?" I asked in a harsh tone.

"I just want to know how you feel Clare! Honestly, you can trust me. Whatever you tell me stays between us. I promise" she said as last ditch attempt to get me to talk.

Why was I starting to feel bad? Is it because I actually have a heart and her wanting to help me makes me feel…happy? Happy that someone is willing to really listen to me and not ignore me or dismissively wave their hand to get me to go away. Was I really going to trust someone after what happened? I guess I'll just have to find out.

I sighed "Fine, whatever." I said, too tired to fight back. She looked at me with hopeful eyes and waited patiently for me to talk.

"Something happened to me, something that I'm not quite proud of but I had no choice! It was either me or him." I sighed and continued. "Well, let's just say, I didn't choose the latter."

_I groaned in pain. "You're not leaving me, ever", he said while smiling at me. He started to drag me from my hair to the couch and picked me up to slam me on it. He jumped up on top of me and pinned my arms over my head._

_"Please, just let me go! Leave me alone" I screamed while tears started to pour down my face. _

_"Aw, what, you don't want to be with me", he chuckled while moving his hand to retrieve something from his back pocket. He slowly pulled it out and it was a knife._

_ My eyes widened and I panicked._

_ He was too engrossed in the knife so he didn't notice when I grabbed the glass vase that was on my coffee table and smashed it to his temple._

_ He groaned and his unconscious body landed on me. I quickly pushed him off me and ran up to my room. I locked the door behind me and hid in my closet._

_ I started to pray, begging God to not let anything bad happen to me. _

_Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will- "Oh Clareee, don't hide from me sweetheart" he called out, taunting me, letting his confidence appear to let me know that he has dominance over me._

_ I'm just a fragile, weak, pathetic excuse of a human being. Whatever he does to me, I deserve ._

Oh how wrong I was at the moment. I guess God was a little too on my side that day.

"Something happened that that, something that I really regret doing." I was getting a little choked up but dismissed the tears right away.

I never liked crying in front of people. All they do is pity you and say things like "oh, it's okay," or "everything will get better in time". They never actually listen. Listen to what I have to say and just be there for me. I don't need anybody's pity, just someone to trust.

"What did you do? It can't be as bad as you're making it out to be, can it?" Ms. Urie asked me in a hesitant tone.

"It definitely is. I think that story should be told a different time. I've already talked too much."

She looked at me in a compassionate way. A way that I haven't been looked at in a really long time.

"Too much" I whispered to myself, realizing what I had actually done. The enormity of my mistake of telling her a part of what happened.

My eyes widened in fear and I quickly said "I have to go right now! Please forget everything I said today. Everything!" I yelled running out the door. My arm hurting more than ever.

"Clare, what are you talking about? Clare!"

That was all I heard until I took off, running to the only place that could ever calm me down. The only place that really knew me, knew me better than I knew myself. The place who has seen me at my worst moment of my life and has seen all of the tears that I have shed. Westland.

_Entry #56_

_Dear Agony, you of all people know that I've never really had a home. Or considered any place a home, same thing. Any household that I am in…I feel trapped. Broken. Every couch that I see, I think of him and what happened. Westland is the only place that helps me. That enables me to forget about everything that happened in due time. If only you knew where Westland is, you'd probably encourage it. Most people wouldn't but that doesn't matter to me. I forget… _

**(Eli's POV)**

"Dad! Dad?" I called out to him but apparently he isn't home. I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the keys to Morty from the kitchen table. I then gripped an apple in my hand and ventured off to see Skylar. I did promise her after all that I would see her today.

If there is one thing Eli Goldsworthy never does, is break a promise.

After the two hour drive to Midland, I got out of my car and took a good minute to stretch. Two hour drives alone are not fun at all.

I parked Morty out of Skylar's house and honked once. Okay, if her mom comes out, she might think that I'm a pedophile or something. If her dad comes out, he might beat me to death. But if Skylar comes out, seeing her smile would be worth it.

Wow, a little girl had turned me into a sap, great!

I mentally rolled my eyes and waited for a few minutes. The door to her house opened and Skylar came out. I sighed happily, relieved that it wasn't one of her parents.

"Hi Eli!" she said exuberantly. "You really came! You kept your promise!" she said, with a grin so wide, it made me smile.

"Of course I kept my promise, I'm not a liar. Liars go to a very bad place so never lie, okay?"

Can I go to hell for lying to a little girl? Yes, I think I can.

"Okay, Eli! So, what do you want to do?" As I was about to answer, she interrupted and said "Oh! Let's go to the park! It will be so much fun!" she looked at me expectantly.

"Uh I'm not so sure it's a good idea. What don't we just stay here?" I asked her hopefully.

"Please Please Please Eli! I'll be your best friend forever!" she asked me defiantly. I couldn't say no to her.

I sighed and said "Fine, to the park we go!" I grinned at her. As soon as we started walking, I heard a woman's voice behind me.

"Sky? Skylar! Where the hell are you going with that man?" Shit Shit Shit! I am so fucking screwed!

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